1. The Custody Plee
A husband and wife are in the middle of settling the custody of their three beautiful children. The judge asks the mother to give her plea for the children.
She politely replies, “Your honour, I had over 60 hours of labour just to bring in these wonderful children into this world and I’ve spent countless hours, cleaning, teaching, cooking and being a shoulder to cry on for the past eight years. This should be enough to give me full custody of them.”
The judge then turns to the husband and ask for his plea. He confidently replies, “Your honour, as it may seem we are at a very pivotal moment in our families lives. Let me ask you a question. If I put money into a drink machine and my drink comes out, who owns the drink? Me or the machine?
2. What Is Sex
A little boy returns from his day at school and asks his mother, “What is Sex?”
His mother was not prepared for such a question so she decided to explain to him in great detail about the birds and the bees. After a lengthy explanation, the little boy went to his bag and took out a form and gave it to his mother and says “Mum, I get it but how do I put all that into this little square box?”
3. Playboy Married Edition
Did you hear about the latest edition of Playboy? Apparently, they now have a magazine just for married men. The new magazine features the one and only centrefold each month.
4. The Sliding Man
A man and a woman enter a fine dining restaurant and gets seated by the waitress. While they decide on their order the waitress takes another order from a nearby table and notices the man slowly sliding down his chair. After she finishes with the order she sees the man has finally slid under the table. So she approaches the table and asks the women, “Excuse me madam I couldn’t help but notice your husband just slid under the table.” The women replies, “No your mistaken, my husband just entered the restaurant.”
5. Divorced Barbie
A man walks into a toy shop on the upper side of the city. He asks the store attendant, “How much for the barbie in the window?” The store attendant replies in a snobbish way, “Well, which barbie are you referring to? We have handywomen Barbie for $20, CEO barbie for $20, adventure Barbie for $20, and divorced Barbie at $300.”
The man quickly asks, “Why is divorced Barbie so expensive?” With a flamboyant tone the attendant replies, “Honey, that’s because divorced Barbie also comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture and Ken’s boat.
6. Wife’s Perfect Birthday Gift
A man asks a bunch of ladies at work for ideas on what to get his wife on her birthday. He tells them she already has everything she’s wanted that’s why he was finding it so difficult to get her a present. Among all the ideas, the only guy in the group suggested to give her a sex certificate that says she can have 2 hours of great sex in whichever way she wanted.
The man returns to work the next day to tell all his co-workers how it went. The man replied, “When I gave her the certificate she jumped for joy, did a little twerk, hugged and kissed me and ran out the door yelling, see you in 2 hours honey.”
7. I’m Rich
A woman burst through her front door and tells her husband, “Honey, pack your backs! I just won 30 million dollars!” He replies, “That’s amazing! Where are we going?” The woman replies, “I don’t really care just get lost!”
8. The Lecture
A man goes out with his mates for a few drinks when he realises it was 2 am. He decided against the taxi and walk home instead. He stumbles all over the footpath knocking over a few bins on the street. A police car pulls up and asks, “Where are you going at 2 am in the morning?” The man replies, “To a lecture.” The police replied, “Who’s giving a lecture at this time in the morning?” The man says “My wife!”
9. Man of the House
A husband reads a book called “How to be The Man of The House.” After reading it he stands up, and storms up to his wife and makes this statement. “From now on when I come home from work, I expect you to have dinner ready. And when I’m watching TV a beer should be brought to me without asking. And before bed each I want a bath drawn so I can unwind. And when I finish guess who’s going to dress me?” His wife replies, “That’s a tough one hun, I’m guessing it will be the funeral director.”
10. A Neighbouring Handyman
A husband is watching the footy on TV one evening when his lovely wife walks in and ask, “Honey, could call the internet company our WiFi has been playing up and I don’t have the account details?” The husband then says, “Fix the internet? Do I look like I have IT guy written on my forehead?
His wife then says “Well how about fixing the front steps the wood’s all rotten and looks like it’ll break anytime.” Her husband says “Really? What? Does it look like I have handyman written on my forehead?” He then storms out and heads to the pub.
While at the pub the man realised how harsh he was to his wife and decides to go home. When he got home, he noticed the steps were fixed so goes to his wife and says, “Honey, how did you get the steps fixed so quickly.” She replies, “Well while you were having your hissy fit, I sat outside crying my eyes out and the young man next door came to comfort me. I told him my problems and he said he’ll fix all my issues but only if I either cooked him a very fine meal or sleep with him.”
The husband replies, “So what did you cook for him?” His wife replies in a condescending way, “Cook for him? What! Does it look like I have Nigella Lawson written on my forehead?”